Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

Between stimulus and response, there is a space.

In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our happiness.

I don’t know who said these words and I would like to know so that I could give credit, but these are the most important concepts I have ever learned.  The space between the instant something comes into our awareness and the instant we respond is the most important space of all.  That is where our power exists.  To be able to be aware of what is transpiring in our thoughts-feelings-behavior-memory machine when someone or some thing outside us comes into focus–that is my highest aspiration.  If I am aware and I realize that I have a choice in how I respond, I have claimed my power as an authentic human being.

It looks like this.  My friend says:  ”I cannot believe how stupid I was!”  I hear the words.  Here comes the crucial instant, where I have a choice.  Do I respond to the words, do I give the words meaning, do I kneejerk my way to an answer?  Or do I have the presence of mind to pause and consider my response?  The best way to respond, when I stop to think about it, is to reflect what my friend said.  That way I stay out of interpretation of what she means, and I have the choice of where the conversation will go.  If I can mirror her, saying, “I hear you saying that you cannot believe how stupid you were.  Did I hear you correctly?”  then I will probably stay out of her story and let her tell me all about it.  If I respond with consolation, denial or imagined concepts as to what she means, I have taken over the conversation and taken ownership of it.  My response means my energy will be centered on me and what I mean, rather than on her and what she means.

Individuation has been a central theme for me in my work with people these past years.  We have been given a green light on becoming our selves to the maximum.  Today, I am discovering that there is more to our authenticity than individuation.  If we are to evolve as individual beings, we must look beyond our individual self-actualization.  We must transcend to what Abraham Maslow indicated in his last years.  He seemed to leave a legacy that went beyond his human needs hierarchical building blocks.  He was talking in his last days about creative service as the next step beyond individualization.  He spoke about self transcendence, which is the divine version of self development.

Self-Actualization sometimes becomes distorted into something shriveling and self serving.   We become self absorbed and misinterpret the meaning of self actualization. Mindfulness about who we are and where we are going brings me to realize that our legacy has a great deal to do with our values.  It also has to do with grasping the meaning that we are separate individuals, yet we are all one with the Great Life Force.  Victor Frankl’s work brilliantly suggests that our search for meaning requires questioning our thinking.  His confinement in the Nazi concentration camps brought him to the realization that he might be interred as a human body, yet the captors could not imprison his mind.  In that lies all human freedom.

So, when my friend tells me about her self doubt and puts herself down, I can go deeply into all the choices for my response.  The one I want to choose will usually help me learn more about my friend and what she values, rather than my imposing my will, my meaning, or my values on her.

That is today’s lesson!  It was prompted by a question asked of me about my Transformation cards.  Another friend asked if I had a card for people who talk bad about themselves, putting themselves down and never having a kind word to say.  Turns out I didn’t have a card for that, so I have written my version of how to counteract the practice of Self-Doubt and Self Downing.  This led to thinking about Maslow, Frankl, and others who have worked with the human condition.  Here is the new card, for your perusal:

SELF-DOUBT/SELF-DOWNING

With every negative thought or word about yourself, STOP!  Pause, please, and ponder how this makes you feel.  Ask who you would be without these negative doubts and put-downs.  Deliberately stop your mind, question your thoughts, and silence the critical parent voice.  Ask yourself where you learned these negative messages.  What voice from your past are you imitating?  Change the story by counteracting the negative voice with five positive things you like about yourself.   Your perception can be changed.  Your negative interpretation can change.  You can choose to cultivate a nurturing parent voice that supports and cares about you internally.  Self love and self forgiveness are needed and possible.

In 1988 I read the book, “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix. The book inspired me to train with the Imago Institute and became a clinical member of the Imago organization. I held many couples weekend workshops in Corpus Christi, TX. Imago Therapy was the very best I found for my work with couples in my 30 plus years as a marriage and family therapist. The most important part of Imago work was in a process created by Hendrix. He called it the Couples Dialogue. It consists of three parts:

1.Mirroring

2.Validating

3.Empathizing

Mirroring has to do what the word suggests. When one person talks, the other listens and mirrors (reflects) back the words and even the body posture, facial expression, and tone of voice.

To mirror might begin like this, “If I heard you correctly, you said……” or “What I hear you saying is…..” Mirroring simply says that what you said is important to me, and I have heard the content of your words, without judging you, blaming you, or finding solutions for you.

Mirroring is the essential skill for couples to learn. Many issues are solved with mirroring alone. Mirroring encourages the talker to continue since the listener is hearing accurately the words that are spoken. When the listener also mirrors the tone of voice and posture of the talker, the talker feels safe and risks revealing what is inside.

Validation is a process of letting your partner know that you understand the meaning behind her/his words. To validate, you might say, “What you said makes sense to me,” or “I can understand your point of view, “ or “I see what you mean.” It may mean that you as listener have to stretch to understand the meaning, but it is worth doing and becomes an act of compassionate caring toward the other person.

Validation is an advanced competency for effective relationships. To understand the message and its meaning is not the same as to agree with the message or its meaning. Validation means to set aside one’s own opinions while stretching to understand the meaning of the other person’s message. The result is to reach for the possibility of real individuation—real grown-up freedom for each one. Validation is about growing up.

Empathy is the concept of understanding and acknowledging the feelings being expressed. It usually can be stated by saying, “I can imagine you are…” and filling in the feeling word. Feelings are usually one word: mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, guilty, and versions of those emotions. To empathize with the talker is to understand the feelings behind the words and meaning.

One observation over the years, I have seen many persons respond with “I feel that…” which means you are giving your opinion and your ideas, not empathizing. The subtlety of empathy rests in the loving detachment from judgment, criticism, blame, self-pity, or “fixing” the other person. To find a solution or to explain why sends the message, “You are weak…I am superior”…

This dialogue is the core of Imago Relationship Therapy. While it may seem simple, it is a skill that takes a lot of practice to really learn and make it a habit. You may need a coach (I recommend an Imago therapist). It works and it is worth learning.

Three parts compose the Couples Dialogue:

1.Mirroring for the content of the verbal and non-verbal messages;

2.Validation for the meaning of the messages;

3.Empathy for the feelings underneath the message.