Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

You As Leader

I have been thinking about this idea today.  Think of all the people in your life that you would label “Leader”…..

Next, describe how you think they are doing.  Go for the best praise and the lowest criticism for each one of them.  Take time to do this and be as honest as you can in your assessment of each one.

Now, ask yourself about your own view of yourself.  Are you a leader?  Whom do you lead?  Am I a leader?  Whom do I lead?   My answer is yes to all those questions.  You are a leader and I am a leader.  Each one of us leads.

Here is what I cannot escape as a conclusion.  We are all leaders.  We lead someone.  Primarily, we lead ourselves.  Each one of us is different and we lead humanity toward some evolutionary progress.  Or, we don’t.  Each one of us has the capacity to forward our expansive evolutionary journey as a species called human; each one of us has the capacity to delay that expansion.  Expansion is the true name of the game.  We are expanding and we will continue to expand.  They tell us the Universe herself is expanding.  The upward spiral is ever up and ever broadening.  (We need good “shrinks” to help us grasp this concept.)

Now look at the list you made of leaders.  Are they Presidents (of country or company)?  Are they living or dead; male or female; old or young?  Be in the zone of what I call “merciless self awareness”.  Ask what you are revealing to yourself.  What you see, what you react to, what you think-feel-do-believe is all here for your observation.  I hope you keep your observation objective and benign.  No self-downing, please.  Just go for the awareness of who you are and how you behave today, right here and right now.

Here’s where the moment of contrast is faced.  As within, so without.  “As a man thinketh….”  This is the Come to Jesus moment of self awareness.  Prepare to face your own self-constructed reality.  Ready?  Set?  Go!

Using your keen self-awareness, own your own projections.  Look at your lists and say, “I am like that, too.”  We see our named leaders through the lens of our own perception; through the filters of our own experience; through the life script we are living.  And we are the author, actor, and audience of the life script.  The good news here is that we can take charge of the script.

Do you ever find yourself praising or criticizing your very own self for the same characteristics you attributed to those leaders you named?  Are you even harder on yourself than you are on your manager, your boss, your company leader, your president???

What if the one person we actually lead day in and day out is number one—yourself–myself?  What if we saw the dual roles operating within us—both leader and follower.  What if we supported that internal follower with good thoughts and high acceptance?  What if I looked on myself as a follower who needs a compassionate, caring, mindful, and, yes, happy leader?  This is like self-re-parenting.  Taking charge and providing the parenting that our birth parents couldn’t or wouldn’t do, is our responsibility as well as our right as leaders of our own destiny.

Can I be a leader and be happy?  I think we cannot justify or logically support any opinion as making us happy or sad; nothing outside us makes us full of joy or full of despair.  Your job is not the culprit; your spouse or your spice is not the cause; your outside world does not dictate the experience of your inside world.  The greatest power you possess is here in this concept.  You have choices about how you respond to your life experiences.

Being a leader of one is possible.  Being happy is possible.  My job doesn’t really make me happy nor does it make me full of despair.  Nothing outside the realm of my own thought system makes me feel anything.  This is a belief that is both frightening and freeing.  It is the good news and it is the bad news.  I and I, alone, own what I believe, what I think, what I feel, and what I do.  Today, I am convinced this is true for you, too.

Therefore, we can choose to take charge of our thinking and, ultimately, take charge of our believing.  Belief creates reality.  My conclusion, on this seventh day of February, 2010, is that I am the only one in charge of my beliefs and my thoughts.  My feelings are the indicator of whether I am leading myself in the most beneficial directions.   My feelings are the gauge of whether I am operating from my native talents—my strengths—or whether I am playing the old games and being a victim of Life.  If I am in the Victim role, I will cast my leaders on the outside as my Persecutors or as my Rescuers.  Therefore, the neurotic games can continue.  (Rarely have I seen anyone cast their boss as the Victim!)

My beliefs are the prognosticator of whether I experience abundance, love, and success.  Yes, believing makes it so.  Beliefs create experience.

As Harry Palmer, the founder of Avatar, says, “If you don’t believe this to be true, you will experience it as false, which proves that the belief creates the experience!”

So, as of this moment, I send all those who are in positions of leadership my most compassionate, prayerful thoughts for their success, their embracing of abundance instead of scarcity, and their discovery of the power of Love.

I accept my expansive possibilities for more wisdom in my beliefs.  I embrace the people in my world as the genius provocateurs of my growth.  And, I thank every one of them for the contrast, the turning points, and the climb to the next level on my journey of self-discovery; self-ownership; and self-creation.

I am a fan of Don Miguel Ruiz.  We have followed the philosophy in his “Four Agreements” for many years.  Today as a new year begins, it seems fitting to recommend his next book, The Fifth Agreement.  The concept, according to Ruiz and his son Jose, is that everything we do is based on agreements we have made — agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. With these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.  His idea of agreements corresponds to my notion of beliefs.  Now he is adding an agreement that is dear to my heart.  As an advocate of deep listening, this fifth agreement is right down my alley of beliefs.   I am copying words written in the advertising promotion, which is a quick and easy way to review all five:

First,
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second,
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third,
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Fourth,
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Fifth,
BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
The Four Agreements slowly helps you to recover your authentic Self, and the real you starts to awaken. With The Fifth Agreement comes the complete acceptance of yourself just the way you are, and the complete acceptance of everybody else just the way they are. The reward is your eternal happiness. The Fifth Agreement is made with words, of course, but its meaning and intent is beyond the words. The Fifth Agreement is ultimately about seeing your whole reality with the eyes of truth, without words.

Make the Five Agreements your way of life — love yourself, enjoy life, and make your personal world a dream of heaven. And, by changing your world, you are changing the world.

As don Miguel says, “By practicing the Five Agreements, what you are really doing is respecting everything in creation. You are respecting your dream; you are respecting everybody else’s dream. If you use these tools, your effort is really for everyone, because your joy, your happiness, your peace, and your heaven are contagious. When you are happy, the people around you are happy too, and it inspires them to change their own world.”

This way of life is entirely possible, and it’s in your hands. The change begins with you. Why not start now?

My hope is that your 2010 will be the best ever and that you will make good use of anything that promotes your spiral of growth, including this new book, The Five Agreements.

Christmas Eve, 2009, and I, as usual, am at a loss as to what to give to my family and friends.  We have our same old Christmas tree in a corner in this new house.  Paul and I have loaded it with toys.  So, each family member will have a toy when we have our Christmas dinner.  We are planning a turkey on December 28 so that all the family can celebrate together.  When there are five children and other families to consider, we have found that the “one day” concept may not be the most workable.  So, any time during the twelve days of Christmas will do for a great family celebration.

In keeping with the idea that all of us have Strengths, I decided that I could give more intangible gifts.  The things we purchase may not be on target and they become something to decide about later–do we give it on to someone else, donate it to a charitable cause, display it when it doesn’t fit the decor, wear it when it is not desired, or treasure it forever (which means more storage space)–what to do with all these things?  I think about that when I am trying to choose the right gift for others.  Doesn’t seem to be in my talent bank.  One of my daughters has the perfect sense of what to give, but I missed that when they were creating my list of talents.

One of my sons said he is giving only consumable items this year.  I like that idea, too.  Eat it up, use it up, or let it die.  No extra closet space needed when fresh flowers or fruit are the gift.

Whatever we decide about the material side of the season, the essence of what it is all about seems to lead me back to the positive side of life and my real belief in the optimistic story of the Baby Jesus and the meaning of His teaching.

I have written my version of the twelve days of Christmas as my gift to each of my family members and my friends.  Please know that I mean it when I say, I will give each of these items.  You won’t have to return them, re-gift them, display them, or store them.  They will be intangible and consumable.  You may redeem your gift throughout the year 2010, with my blessing.  I am honored to be in your life and your sacred Individuality is important to me.

Sing these words to the tune of the traditional Twelve Days of Christmas:

On the first day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

A gift of a loving friendship

On the second day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Two hours of listening

On the third day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Three good book titles

On the Fourth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Four coaching sessions

On the Fifth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Five thoughts of Love

On the Sixth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Six bright ideas

On the Seventh day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Seven soft shoulders

On the Eighth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Eight meals of kindness

On the Ninth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Nine walks together

On the Tenth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Ten games of your choice

On the Eleventh day of Christmas

Marj Barlow sent to me

Eleven music sharings

On the Twelfth day of Christmas

Marj Barlow sent to me

Twelve drumming circles.

Enjoy your family and celebrate this blessed season!

Someone asked for my latest reading list. Here are the books Paul and I are studying these days:

1. Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book for the laughs.

2. The Living Universe by Duane Elgin, which gets us into cosmic thinking.

3. The Spontaneous Healing of Beliefs by Gregg Braden provokes us to examine our beliefs.

4. The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson is her latest book on self-care and self-love.

5. The Heavens Declare, The Dove in the Stone, and The Web in the Sea by Alice O. Howell, whose lovely grandmotherly approach to all things of the soul are juicy treasures to read. She is my favorite Jungian writer on Astrology, which I am still studying. After 10 or more years, I know little.

6. In preparation for Laurence Hillman’s workshop at Red Corral Ranch in September, I am reviewing old books on Astrology: The New Way to Learn Astrology by Basil Fearrington and Intuitive Astrology by Elizabeth Rose Campbell. Alignments and Planets at Play by Laurence himself.

7. Living Your Strengths by Winseman and Clifton and How Full Is Your Bucket? By Don Clifton and Tom Rath, and Strengths Leadership by Rath are ongoing books I use in Strengths Coaching for Interface Flor, Inc.  and others.

8. The Dumbest Generation by Mark Bauerlein (How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future) is comfort for parents of the under 20-age group.

9. Excuses Begone! By Wayne Dyer summarizes what I am coming to believe—that our beliefs actually create our life. Another book that lead me to that thinking is The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton.

10. Breakthrough by Suzanne Somers enlightens us on the need for bio-identical hormone therapy.

11. If It’s Not Food, Don’t Eat It! Is a no-nonsense guide to an eating-for-health lifestyle, which we are attempting to follow.

That same person who asked about our reading list, wanted to know how we manage the time to read all these books. One of my top five Strengths is “learner” and that makes reading or any kind of knowledge very motivational to me. I hunger to learn and pursue learning like it is candy. So, any trip to a good bookstore is like a trip to a candy store. We have evolved into routines that support reading and study. Just as homework was a part of early school life, so the continual learning cycle is a daily process. Our schedule simply includes books. Some of the above we are literally reading to each other. Some we read in solitude. Our morning looks like this: 6:30 rise and shine, then our daily 7:00 a.m. apple and coffee or tea while we read and journal. Then breakfast and exercise. We both get to our work at around 9 or 10 a.m. Lunch is separate and on our own. Afternoons, Paul works on his Play Therapy project and I take calls. At 5:00 we stop for Happy Hour, which may be a glass of wine or cold water. The day ends with dinner and a walk around the neighborhood. Ideally we play a game of cards at 9 p.m. and go on to bed by 10:30.

So, there you have a day in the life of Paul and Marj Barlow at our new home in Buda, Texas. I would love to read about your day, also. I am so happy when I get to know you better. Thanks for reading this and I am hoping you will respond.

KINSHIP 

I am aware, 

As I go commonly sweeping the stair, 

Doing my part of the every-day care — 

Human and simple my lot and my share —
I am aware of a marvelous thing:
Voices that murmur and ethers that ring
In the far stellar spaces where cherubim sing. 

I am aware of the passion that pours 

Down the channels of fire through Infinity's doors;
Forces terrific, with melody shod.
Music that mates with the pulses of God. 

I am aware of the glory that runs 

From the core of myself to the core of the suns.
Bound to the stars by invisible chains.
Blaze of eternity now in my veins.
Seeing the rush of ethereal rains 

Here in the midst of the every-day air — 

I am aware. 

I am aware,
As I sit quietly here in my chair.
Sewing or reading or braiding my hair — 

Human and simple my lot and my share —
I am aware of the systems that swing 

Through the aisles of creation on heavenly wing,
I am aware of a marvelous thing: 

Trail of the comets in furious flight, 

Thunders of beauty that shatter the night,
Terrible triumph of pageants that march
To the trumpets of time through Eternity's arch. 

I am aware of the splendor that ties 

All the things of the earth with the things of the
skies,
Here in my body the heavenly heat.
Here in my flesh the melodious beat
Of the planets that circle Divinity's feet. 

As I sit silently here in my chair, 

I am aware.