Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

Written at 6:00 p.m. on October 13, 2010

Three subjects that reveal a person’s strengths in action:

I.  Memories from the past that are satisfying.  This includes actions, achievements, relationships, skills, or knowledge.  Ask, with what am I most satisfied or what makes me most proud?

II.  What energizes me in the present?  What gets me going?  What inspires me?  What motivates me?

III.  Looking to the future, what feels good?  Like waiting for the gifts that come at holidays, think about the desires you have.  This includes things you want to have,  achievements you still want to do, or the positive qualities you want to be.

I have noticed that people who grow their talents into real strengths can talk about all three of these subjects with positive emotion.  I have also noticed that people who look backward to the past with regrets or needs for vengeance seem to be filled with negative emotion.  And, the ones who look forward to the future with worry or anxiety feel bad, too.  The only place we are actually happy and full of joy is right now.  The present moment is where life takes place.  Awareness of our past or future in positive visions, thoughts, and imagination is the best way to be in the path of Strengths in Action.  Living in the Strengths Path will bring you happiness and joy.  And, it can happen right now!

Woke up abruptly at 3:00 a.m. with a mild stinging sensation on my chin. Didn’t want to turn on the light and wake Paul, so I brushed it aside. Went back to sleep. It came again, so I threw caution to the winds and turned on the light. There it was on the carpet –a small “creepy crawly critter” wandering toward the wall, a baby scorpion. I grabbed a nearby washcloth to pick it up and took it to the commode, where it swam away as I flushed it down the drain.

Why this visit? What is the deeper message from a creature such as this? Could it be because I had worked that day with a woman whose birth sign is Scorpio. Her issues were familiar…all about the future….mothering…careers….friendships…..relationships……typical women’s life issues yet very unique to her. Our session was delightful and her work was profound. So, what was the reason I still received the night visitor who stung my chin? The context was the anniversary of 9-11. My personal context was my healing from cataract surgery the week before.  I am exploring the meaning of this mystery.

At the physical level, I know we have a lot of scorpions here in central Texas. We have a scorpion sighting almost every day. They come out when it rains. Recently, I was told about the hatching of hundreds of baby scorpions in a light fixture at Ricket Ranch, where Anna, Kaye and John live. My friends in South Texas include two incredible young people who treasure spiders and scorpions and are making a successful business selling tarantulas and delivering lectures on the values of creepie, crawlie critters. You can follow their ingenious sustainability ideas on their website, notsocreepycritters.com.

I also remembered when our favorite astrologer Laurence Hillman visited, he found a very large scorpion in the bathroom and photographed it to take back to his daughter, who is also a Scorpio. So the physical connects to the cosmic in some way. Carl Jung always pointed out the serendipity, the synchronicity of our experiences and I have a good time going to the levels beyond the physical. It is fun to look for the deeper connection to whatever happens. So, what can I make of this little incident? It was a very brief encounter with a very small little scorpion…….

First, it was a baby. New life, young being, just beginning. Every moment is a new beginning. Daily, we start fresh. Even at age 81, I am daily renewed and every “now” moment is a moment to see through fresh eyes, hear through rejuvenated ears, and cleanse all the old judgments so that I am reborn.

Second, it did what came naturally. It reacted with its ability to sting when I tried to brush it aside. That sounds sort of familiar. I don’t always get the reaction I expect and I certainly am known to react with my own stinging words when I feel attacked or “brushed aside.”

Third, it woke me up. Paul and I both look daily at our various “wake-up” calls. We see the signs of our bodies aging and we know that we have a limited number of years to be on this earth plane in these bodies, so we are doing what we think necessary to be on-track with where we are on life’s journey at this stage. We recently updated our wills, creating powers of attorney and medical directives with the clear intention that our demise is not to be extended through any artificial mechanical or chemical means. We are getting the papers in order so that our children will be able to find them. Our model is that of our mothers who did their due diligence. Victoria, my mother, was so up to date in her worldly possessions and affairs that my brother and I did not even have to probate her will. Paul’s Mother, Cora, lived many years with no complaint in a home that I think was stultifying. Her patience with us as we neglected her and as she was subjected to daily routines that she did not particularly like (going to bed at 6 pm for the convenience of the staff and being awakened at 5 am was not the style of living she preferred.) I see our parents now through the circumstances of my own life. And, I am gaining deeper compassion for the valiant way they gave themselves to us.

Fourth, the lesson from the baby scorpion is still in progress. I am projecting myself into the little critter and imagining trying to get the attention I want. Just going about my life in my own natural way, doing what I know how to do, and reaching for the best I can imagine. Perhaps a wild ride down the toilet? Going with the flow?

And finally, the early morning interruption of my sleep allowed me to be fully awake with no real purpose, so I indulged in a TV movie. I thoroughly enjoyed watching “Prizzi’s Honor” with Jack Nicholson. Went back to bed with a smile on my face and felt the joy of life in its moment by moment unfolding. The real mystery is that here is there and then is now, and all just “is”…I am eternally grateful and in awe of our connectedness and the miracle of life on this planet.

We cherish our mornings here at 686 Clear Springs Hollow, Elm Grove Subdivision, Buda, Texas.  Today, we had broiled grapefruit, an apple, coffee and tea and the weekly bowlfull of vitamins and supplements.  Then we have the luxury of reading to each other as our choice of starting the morning.  Today, we are reading from these books,

• Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling by Wayne Dyer
• The Third Jesus by Deepak Chopra
• KickAss Creativity by Mary Beth Maziarz
• Dementia Beyond Drugs: Changing the Culture of Care by G. Allen Power, MD
• Reconnecting With Nature: Wellness Through Restoring Your Bond With the Earth by Michael J. Cohen, Ed. D.
• The Fred Factor by Mark Sanborn (thanks to Elaine Mayfield for finding this little jewel)
• Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us by Seth Godin

Someone asked me, “Do you really read all these books?”  Actually, my Daddy asked me that in the 1970′s when he saw the new bookshelves I built in our Kingsville home, and their burgeoning load  of books.  My answer was then and still is that they are like good friends.  Some of them I cultivate, others I get to know lightly, and some I move away from without ever finishing.  So, from my past book collections, I gathered readings on learning theory, brain theories, many forms of psychotherapy, and ultimately have meandered my way toward positive psychology, Strengths Development, Quantum theories, and consciousness.  Out of these readings have come new ways of thinking.  So, as I learned from Joseph Campbell, I accepted my right to “follow my bliss”.  I learn what I am curious about; I pursue interesting theories until I am satiated or reach my own level of competence; and along the way, I have these bookshelves full of great old “friends.”

I used my new I-Pad on our train trip recently, enjoying Pride and Prejudice (free download) and feeling good about not turning on the overhead light as all the other passengers slept and I enjoyed my book.  Not sure that I still don’t want the feel of holding a printed volume but with the Kindle, I-Pad and other digital means, perhaps I won’t need to keep building more bookcases?

Last week was a whirlwind of activity in Georgia.  I am privileged to continue my work as a Strengths coach and counselor to InterfaceFlor, Inc. Most of my work is on the telephone, by appointment, yet I love the times when I travel and can meet face-to-face with these friends.  When I go to the Interface facility in LaGrange, GA, I try to work in as many meetings and events as I can.  This trip was for another Tribal Gathering, this one for the hospitality industry.  We met wonderful people, all ages, and all facets of the hotel business and a good time was had by all.  The next day, I held several group meetings and our final day was a very satisfying meeting.  This was not a meeting-as-usual, but a “reflecting” with some 40 leaders in the Interface family.  I was gratified by the response of each individual, taking ownership and leadership in their own style and Strengths-Path.  As I move into my wise elder years, I feel confident in the next generations capability to craft the future, based on the best patterns from the past.

This post, today, is to pay tribute to Miriam Lukken.  I had the privilege of meeting her through Amy Lukken, my friend and colleague at Interface.  Miriam’s book, Mrs. Dunwoody’s Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping, was her gift to me.  I have been scanning and browsing this morning while Paul makes his broiled grapefruit for breakfast.  One quote that is so meaningful to me, I want to share with everyone:

“In a letter to a grandchild: Mrs. Dunwoody wrote, “Have nothing in your home that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.  Home is a sacred place for you and your family.  Home interprets heaven.  It is heaven for beginners.”

Living in hotel rooms for several days reminded me that we carry “home” with us wherever we are.  I always unpack and move in to the hotel room, making it home for the few days away.  That keeps a certain kind of helpful continuity in my life.  Returning to our home here in Buda, TX, I feel the joy of the heaven we have created here.  Heaven for beginners–that is what home is.

Thank you, Miriam, for your gift of writing your book, sharing the real truth of how we can live together, learning how to love, and creating “beginner’s heaven”.  Mrs. Dunwoody was a survivor-thriver of the war between the states, and I, a survivor of the great depression in the 30′s, share the belief that order and stability can be made through homekeeping.   “Keeper of the home” is a great aspiration for anyone, any gender, any age.  It allows us to thrive.

You As Leader

I have been thinking about this idea today.  Think of all the people in your life that you would label “Leader”…..

Next, describe how you think they are doing.  Go for the best praise and the lowest criticism for each one of them.  Take time to do this and be as honest as you can in your assessment of each one.

Now, ask yourself about your own view of yourself.  Are you a leader?  Whom do you lead?  Am I a leader?  Whom do I lead?   My answer is yes to all those questions.  You are a leader and I am a leader.  Each one of us leads.

Here is what I cannot escape as a conclusion.  We are all leaders.  We lead someone.  Primarily, we lead ourselves.  Each one of us is different and we lead humanity toward some evolutionary progress.  Or, we don’t.  Each one of us has the capacity to forward our expansive evolutionary journey as a species called human; each one of us has the capacity to delay that expansion.  Expansion is the true name of the game.  We are expanding and we will continue to expand.  They tell us the Universe herself is expanding.  The upward spiral is ever up and ever broadening.  (We need good “shrinks” to help us grasp this concept.)

Now look at the list you made of leaders.  Are they Presidents (of country or company)?  Are they living or dead; male or female; old or young?  Be in the zone of what I call “merciless self awareness”.  Ask what you are revealing to yourself.  What you see, what you react to, what you think-feel-do-believe is all here for your observation.  I hope you keep your observation objective and benign.  No self-downing, please.  Just go for the awareness of who you are and how you behave today, right here and right now.

Here’s where the moment of contrast is faced.  As within, so without.  “As a man thinketh….”  This is the Come to Jesus moment of self awareness.  Prepare to face your own self-constructed reality.  Ready?  Set?  Go!

Using your keen self-awareness, own your own projections.  Look at your lists and say, “I am like that, too.”  We see our named leaders through the lens of our own perception; through the filters of our own experience; through the life script we are living.  And we are the author, actor, and audience of the life script.  The good news here is that we can take charge of the script.

Do you ever find yourself praising or criticizing your very own self for the same characteristics you attributed to those leaders you named?  Are you even harder on yourself than you are on your manager, your boss, your company leader, your president???

What if the one person we actually lead day in and day out is number one—yourself–myself?  What if we saw the dual roles operating within us—both leader and follower.  What if we supported that internal follower with good thoughts and high acceptance?  What if I looked on myself as a follower who needs a compassionate, caring, mindful, and, yes, happy leader?  This is like self-re-parenting.  Taking charge and providing the parenting that our birth parents couldn’t or wouldn’t do, is our responsibility as well as our right as leaders of our own destiny.

Can I be a leader and be happy?  I think we cannot justify or logically support any opinion as making us happy or sad; nothing outside us makes us full of joy or full of despair.  Your job is not the culprit; your spouse or your spice is not the cause; your outside world does not dictate the experience of your inside world.  The greatest power you possess is here in this concept.  You have choices about how you respond to your life experiences.

Being a leader of one is possible.  Being happy is possible.  My job doesn’t really make me happy nor does it make me full of despair.  Nothing outside the realm of my own thought system makes me feel anything.  This is a belief that is both frightening and freeing.  It is the good news and it is the bad news.  I and I, alone, own what I believe, what I think, what I feel, and what I do.  Today, I am convinced this is true for you, too.

Therefore, we can choose to take charge of our thinking and, ultimately, take charge of our believing.  Belief creates reality.  My conclusion, on this seventh day of February, 2010, is that I am the only one in charge of my beliefs and my thoughts.  My feelings are the indicator of whether I am leading myself in the most beneficial directions.   My feelings are the gauge of whether I am operating from my native talents—my strengths—or whether I am playing the old games and being a victim of Life.  If I am in the Victim role, I will cast my leaders on the outside as my Persecutors or as my Rescuers.  Therefore, the neurotic games can continue.  (Rarely have I seen anyone cast their boss as the Victim!)

My beliefs are the prognosticator of whether I experience abundance, love, and success.  Yes, believing makes it so.  Beliefs create experience.

As Harry Palmer, the founder of Avatar, says, “If you don’t believe this to be true, you will experience it as false, which proves that the belief creates the experience!”

So, as of this moment, I send all those who are in positions of leadership my most compassionate, prayerful thoughts for their success, their embracing of abundance instead of scarcity, and their discovery of the power of Love.

I accept my expansive possibilities for more wisdom in my beliefs.  I embrace the people in my world as the genius provocateurs of my growth.  And, I thank every one of them for the contrast, the turning points, and the climb to the next level on my journey of self-discovery; self-ownership; and self-creation.