Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

I am a fan of Don Miguel Ruiz.  We have followed the philosophy in his “Four Agreements” for many years.  Today as a new year begins, it seems fitting to recommend his next book, The Fifth Agreement.  The concept, according to Ruiz and his son Jose, is that everything we do is based on agreements we have made — agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. With these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.  His idea of agreements corresponds to my notion of beliefs.  Now he is adding an agreement that is dear to my heart.  As an advocate of deep listening, this fifth agreement is right down my alley of beliefs.   I am copying words written in the advertising promotion, which is a quick and easy way to review all five:

First,
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second,
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third,
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Fourth,
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Fifth,
BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
The Four Agreements slowly helps you to recover your authentic Self, and the real you starts to awaken. With The Fifth Agreement comes the complete acceptance of yourself just the way you are, and the complete acceptance of everybody else just the way they are. The reward is your eternal happiness. The Fifth Agreement is made with words, of course, but its meaning and intent is beyond the words. The Fifth Agreement is ultimately about seeing your whole reality with the eyes of truth, without words.

Make the Five Agreements your way of life — love yourself, enjoy life, and make your personal world a dream of heaven. And, by changing your world, you are changing the world.

As don Miguel says, “By practicing the Five Agreements, what you are really doing is respecting everything in creation. You are respecting your dream; you are respecting everybody else’s dream. If you use these tools, your effort is really for everyone, because your joy, your happiness, your peace, and your heaven are contagious. When you are happy, the people around you are happy too, and it inspires them to change their own world.”

This way of life is entirely possible, and it’s in your hands. The change begins with you. Why not start now?

My hope is that your 2010 will be the best ever and that you will make good use of anything that promotes your spiral of growth, including this new book, The Five Agreements.

Christmas Eve, 2009, and I, as usual, am at a loss as to what to give to my family and friends.  We have our same old Christmas tree in a corner in this new house.  Paul and I have loaded it with toys.  So, each family member will have a toy when we have our Christmas dinner.  We are planning a turkey on December 28 so that all the family can celebrate together.  When there are five children and other families to consider, we have found that the “one day” concept may not be the most workable.  So, any time during the twelve days of Christmas will do for a great family celebration.

In keeping with the idea that all of us have Strengths, I decided that I could give more intangible gifts.  The things we purchase may not be on target and they become something to decide about later–do we give it on to someone else, donate it to a charitable cause, display it when it doesn’t fit the decor, wear it when it is not desired, or treasure it forever (which means more storage space)–what to do with all these things?  I think about that when I am trying to choose the right gift for others.  Doesn’t seem to be in my talent bank.  One of my daughters has the perfect sense of what to give, but I missed that when they were creating my list of talents.

One of my sons said he is giving only consumable items this year.  I like that idea, too.  Eat it up, use it up, or let it die.  No extra closet space needed when fresh flowers or fruit are the gift.

Whatever we decide about the material side of the season, the essence of what it is all about seems to lead me back to the positive side of life and my real belief in the optimistic story of the Baby Jesus and the meaning of His teaching.

I have written my version of the twelve days of Christmas as my gift to each of my family members and my friends.  Please know that I mean it when I say, I will give each of these items.  You won’t have to return them, re-gift them, display them, or store them.  They will be intangible and consumable.  You may redeem your gift throughout the year 2010, with my blessing.  I am honored to be in your life and your sacred Individuality is important to me.

Sing these words to the tune of the traditional Twelve Days of Christmas:

On the first day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

A gift of a loving friendship

On the second day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Two hours of listening

On the third day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Three good book titles

On the Fourth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Four coaching sessions

On the Fifth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Five thoughts of Love

On the Sixth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Six bright ideas

On the Seventh day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Seven soft shoulders

On the Eighth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Eight meals of kindness

On the Ninth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Nine walks together

On the Tenth day of Christmas,

Marj Barlow sent to me

Ten games of your choice

On the Eleventh day of Christmas

Marj Barlow sent to me

Eleven music sharings

On the Twelfth day of Christmas

Marj Barlow sent to me

Twelve drumming circles.

Enjoy your family and celebrate this blessed season!

Some thoughts about the Condor, the Eagle, Pachacuti and three new books

The cycles of time as described in myths from South America are called Pachacuti, and each covers approximately 500 years. Columbus discovered the Americas in 1492, which could be seen as a pivotal beginning. The next “pachacuti” would be 1992, and might be thought to be the beginning of the new age where the condor will be invited to fly with the eagle. The condor represents the deep and warm spirituality of the southern hemisphere and the eagle is thought to be a symbol for the materialism of the northern hemisphere. We are ready for some reconciliation between spirituality and materialism.  (The number 5 is important here.  There is another idea formed in Japan recently regarding powerpoint presentations.  They call it “pacha kucha” and it means 20 slides, each 20 seconds long –a six minutes, forty seconds ppt. !!)

My recent visit to South America was deeply rewarding and satisfying. My hosts were warm and welcoming and I felt that warmth and experienced the welcome with heart-felt meaning. Their understanding and compassion came forth in the smiles and physical touch offered by each one individually. I was included and I was honored. The whole trip was gratifying and helpful to me as a human being who is still “incomplete”. I am so glad that I was privileged to experience these feelings. My “bucket” was filled to overflowing.  I am so grateful to all my Interface Flor friends in Argentina and Brazil.  Thank you, each one!

Perhaps our evolutionary movement as a species called “human” is progressing toward more balance between matter and spirit. In our western world in the northern hemisphere of our planet, we are materialists with addictions to things. We procure more “stuff” as if that will bring some sort of spiritual satisfaction. We eat more, gain more weight; and then we spend lots of money trying to lose that weight. I watch at the supermarket and am astounded by the people crowding the aisles with overflowing carts filled with chips, soft drinks, and high fat-empty calorie foods. Our addiction to the white stuff of refined sugar and grains is there to be seen in our fat bodies and our sedentary life styles. Our children prefer computer games to outdoor play. We sit when we could walk or run. On and on, the evidence mounts that we have reached some sort of saturation point.

We build more closet space, buy bigger houses, and rent storage space to hold all our “stuff”. We have “overdosed” on materialism. Swami Beyondananda (Steve Bhauerman) says we are the targets of “weapons of mass distraction”.  So, the eagle has flown very high. Now is the time to join the condor, blending our materialistic society with the society of the indigenous natives who are close to the earth and fly with the condor. Change is ahead, for sure.

I am not yet sure how that would translate here in our household. I just know that eating vegetables and fruits is increasingly more satisfying. I also know that the acquisition of yet more stuff is probably not the route to real joy. We are deliberately “down-sizing” and enjoying the simpler life.

I think about the wisdom of our native American forebears and the philosophy they brought to the settlers of the new world that became our United States of America. Studying these tribes and the Andean tribes of South America is like seeing history through new eyes. History is subjective and has been skewed to fit the prevailing zeitgeist of the times. There is a transformation in the future as we re-view and re-state our concepts of earlier times.

Dan Brown’s new book, “The Lost Symbol”, reveals how our founders were thinking as they declared their independence from an outmoded way of governing. I enjoy Dan Brown’s writing and have found this latest book to be a “page-turner” that I devoured in a short time.

Another book we are studying now is also along those same historical revisioning lines. Bruce Lipton and Steve Bhaerman have written an evocative book entitled, “Spontaneous Evolution”. They are presenting leading-edge possibilities and a mind-expanding way of looking at our existence.

Most of my friends know that I am a “book-a-holic”. I make no apology since learning is one of my strengths. Today, I am deep into a little book by Mike Morrison, “The Other Side of the Card”. He is saying that we can find meaning in life and work.  His “me-we” philosophy is easy to grasp and makes lots of sense. This is a quick read and I recommend it for anyone who is in a leadership role (or aspiring to become a leader).

We are incomplete.  We can learn.  We can expand.  We can evolve.

written December 1, 2009 at 6:00 p.m.  here in Buda, TX.

Consider the circle.  That shape has been a universal symbol for God.  It suggests the infinite, never-ending inclusion of all.  Many years ago, I learned to deliver a curriculum, “Magic Circle”, to schools. It was designed by Dr. Valo Palomares and his ex-wife, Geraldine.  The structured circle sessions helped children feel at home in the affective domain–the world of feelings.  From that training in Magic Circle and my own doctoral dissertation (an experiment about emotions and our language of origin), I came to value the use of a circle as a place for groups to participate.  My Women’s Wisdom group always sits in a circle.  Each gets a fair share of the time, there are no “put-downs” and we listen to each other respectfully.  So, I recommend that you hold meetings in the circle, much like the legend of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.  There is a chance we can create Camelot again.  It works in families, in churches, and in business meetings.

To illustrate the circle model, imagine a group of adults gathered together.  The subject can be any current crisis/opportunity.  Whatever the subject these two questions set the stage for discussion:   

Where have we been and where are we going?

What is the future that wants to emerge?

Background thoughts:  Our view of the world has changed.  All our opportunities are now global.  Seeing our circular Planet Earth from the moon gave us a new image of the fragile nature of our world and the enormous responsibility we have as humans who make conscious choices. We have become an Earth tribe.

We humans have a propensity to higher consciousness and greater freedom. We naturally tend to expand. We are quite possibly evolving evolution. Today, this means expansion of ideas through awareness of the connectedness of all life. Global reality and global crisis requires that we look for newness to emerge; that we learn from failure and move toward best practices and solutions.

We are serving the needs of future generations—tomorrow’s children. We can use sustainable methods. From the past, we have an example: the Iroquois nation brought peace among warring tribes through such a meeting of leaders. They sat in a circle where each was given time to talk and the others listened respectfully (Benjamin Franklin reported how remarkable was their deep listening—“not at all like the British House of Commons where everyone shouts and interrupts”). At the end of the meeting of the tribal council, they had found new solutions, which brought them to their objective—peaceful co-existence.

We are moving from an age of power and control into an expanded, advanced age of emergence and creativity. So, we are asking your answer to the question: “What is the future that wants to emerge?”

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world—indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”–Margaret Mead

Conversations in an atmosphere of acceptance and safety will inspire creativity. Creativity becomes contagious and serves the common good better than guilt or fear. The structure is circular—a round table—where all are equal and welcome.

In this circle, all are included and all are valued. The take-away will be known only after we have offered our ideas. The solutions are heretofore unknown and undefined. This is emergent phenomenon and it will by definition be creative. Our takeaways will be what we have generated together in these few hours of our time together in dialogue. Each speaker will present ideas and best practices. Each will challenge you, the listeners, with questions. These questions will stimulate our design iterations.

Perspectives: How does Nature create and emerge in ongoing evolution?

What designs do we need that will create a habitat for learning?

How can we best use the leading edge technology toward planetary connectedness ?

What changes must we make individually and internally to foster a new business culture that includes social sustainability?

LMNOP  (I love the alphabet)

I had a really big experience this week.  Interface Flor brought me in to New York for some workshops on “How Full Is Your Bucket?”    The Interface showroom is a beautiful facility with great design and all the stunning new products displayed.  That, in itself, was a treat.  The new carpet tiles are so beautiful and still are meeting the Zero Footprint goal of environmental Sustainability.  Congratulations to David Oakey and his design team.  I especially admired the pattern called “Vermont”.  Beautiful!!

But, the real reason I am writing is to tell you about an organization that I learned about during the meetings.   People have been losing jobs all across the country.  This story is about a group that came together in New York to meet the crucial need of some of those people who are without employment temporarily.  Specifically, these are designers and architects willing to help each other in the down-turn of this economic time.

LMNOP is the result of the innovative brainstorming of that small group.  I met several of them on this trip and wish I could meet all of them, for they are the kind of people who face “what is” and meet the need, no matter what their own discouraging situation might be.  That is the kind of pluck and courage that impresses everyone.  Kristen Mucci and co-founder Stephanie Chiuminatto were there at the beginning of LMNOP, along with the other co-founder, Jennifer Graham.  These women were at an event where they joined in the sharing of their loss of jobs.  As a result of that conversation, they came up with this stunning idea, “Why not create an organization where we can help one another while we are looking for work?”   After brainstorming awhile (wish I knew all the details of the birth of this project), they arrived at the brilliant idea–naming it LMNOP.  The acronym stands for Leadership, Mentoring, Networking, Opportunity for A&D Professionals.  You may know how much I love the alphabet, so this is the greatest idea ever, to me!  (Also, my new great grandson is named Lawson Paul, so that spans the series of letters from L to P.  Really hit me hard as a great thing.)

They are talking now of making it a non-profit organization, where people in the Architecture and Design Industry can turn to one another for help.  When you want to learn; when you need a mentor; when you want to spread the word about what you do; or when you want to search out new opportunities for jobs and services, LMNOP is there for you.

I grew up in the great depression and this is reminding me of the ways in which families, friends, and communities “made do” with what was, and we all got through it by being in it together.

We ARE all in it together.  If my neighbor is unemployed; if my friend has a need; if my family calls, then I am called to respond.  That’s the way I want to be.

One other conversation on this trip was interesting for me:  Someone asked if the Strengths based approach to life means that I can like everybody.  I respect such a question for it sort of suggests that my beliefs might be more like PollyAnna wearing rose colored glasses and not facing up to the hard facts of reality .  My reply was that I am a person who wants to “like”.  In other words, I do not want my credo, or my beliefs, or my manner of being, to be determined by someone else’s behavior.  So, whenever someone seems to be unlikeable, I go to that place of decision and choice.  I ask myself, how do I want to respond to this person?  My answer is that I want to be in the mode of liking–meaning, I want to give the benefit of the doubt without judgment.  I want to be coming from a loving heart, not a suspicious mind.  And, I have come to believe that when someone is being unlikeable, it usually means that they are off-track in their own purpose in life.  Being likeable or lovable is not the same as having to compulsively please everyone.  The neurotic drivers to be pleasing, be strong, or be perfect are conditions for false well-being.  Surely, I don’t have to convince you that you won’t please everyone, you are OK even if you are weak, and you can give up needing to be perfect.  It is really OK to make mistakes.  As Abraham-Hicks tells us, we weren’t wrong or bad, we just weren’t done yet.  So, every moment is a new beginning.

As a bonus, I discovered at the end of our meeting that Stephanie Chiuminatto, co-founder of LMNOP, is from Kingsville, TX.  I lived there many years and knew Stephanie’s grandparents and her parents!  I can remember that little girl, Stephanie, who now has grown up and is pursuing her career in New York City.  A small world!  Less than 3 degrees to that connectedness with each other.  We really are all in this together.