Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

Written at 6:00 p.m. on October 13, 2010

Three subjects that reveal a person’s strengths in action:

I.  Memories from the past that are satisfying.  This includes actions, achievements, relationships, skills, or knowledge.  Ask, with what am I most satisfied or what makes me most proud?

II.  What energizes me in the present?  What gets me going?  What inspires me?  What motivates me?

III.  Looking to the future, what feels good?  Like waiting for the gifts that come at holidays, think about the desires you have.  This includes things you want to have,  achievements you still want to do, or the positive qualities you want to be.

I have noticed that people who grow their talents into real strengths can talk about all three of these subjects with positive emotion.  I have also noticed that people who look backward to the past with regrets or needs for vengeance seem to be filled with negative emotion.  And, the ones who look forward to the future with worry or anxiety feel bad, too.  The only place we are actually happy and full of joy is right now.  The present moment is where life takes place.  Awareness of our past or future in positive visions, thoughts, and imagination is the best way to be in the path of Strengths in Action.  Living in the Strengths Path will bring you happiness and joy.  And, it can happen right now!

We cherish our mornings here at 686 Clear Springs Hollow, Elm Grove Subdivision, Buda, Texas.  Today, we had broiled grapefruit, an apple, coffee and tea and the weekly bowlfull of vitamins and supplements.  Then we have the luxury of reading to each other as our choice of starting the morning.  Today, we are reading from these books,

• Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling by Wayne Dyer
• The Third Jesus by Deepak Chopra
• KickAss Creativity by Mary Beth Maziarz
• Dementia Beyond Drugs: Changing the Culture of Care by G. Allen Power, MD
• Reconnecting With Nature: Wellness Through Restoring Your Bond With the Earth by Michael J. Cohen, Ed. D.
• The Fred Factor by Mark Sanborn (thanks to Elaine Mayfield for finding this little jewel)
• Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us by Seth Godin

Someone asked me, “Do you really read all these books?”  Actually, my Daddy asked me that in the 1970′s when he saw the new bookshelves I built in our Kingsville home, and their burgeoning load  of books.  My answer was then and still is that they are like good friends.  Some of them I cultivate, others I get to know lightly, and some I move away from without ever finishing.  So, from my past book collections, I gathered readings on learning theory, brain theories, many forms of psychotherapy, and ultimately have meandered my way toward positive psychology, Strengths Development, Quantum theories, and consciousness.  Out of these readings have come new ways of thinking.  So, as I learned from Joseph Campbell, I accepted my right to “follow my bliss”.  I learn what I am curious about; I pursue interesting theories until I am satiated or reach my own level of competence; and along the way, I have these bookshelves full of great old “friends.”

I used my new I-Pad on our train trip recently, enjoying Pride and Prejudice (free download) and feeling good about not turning on the overhead light as all the other passengers slept and I enjoyed my book.  Not sure that I still don’t want the feel of holding a printed volume but with the Kindle, I-Pad and other digital means, perhaps I won’t need to keep building more bookcases?

Last week was a whirlwind of activity in Georgia.  I am privileged to continue my work as a Strengths coach and counselor to InterfaceFlor, Inc. Most of my work is on the telephone, by appointment, yet I love the times when I travel and can meet face-to-face with these friends.  When I go to the Interface facility in LaGrange, GA, I try to work in as many meetings and events as I can.  This trip was for another Tribal Gathering, this one for the hospitality industry.  We met wonderful people, all ages, and all facets of the hotel business and a good time was had by all.  The next day, I held several group meetings and our final day was a very satisfying meeting.  This was not a meeting-as-usual, but a “reflecting” with some 40 leaders in the Interface family.  I was gratified by the response of each individual, taking ownership and leadership in their own style and Strengths-Path.  As I move into my wise elder years, I feel confident in the next generations capability to craft the future, based on the best patterns from the past.

This post, today, is to pay tribute to Miriam Lukken.  I had the privilege of meeting her through Amy Lukken, my friend and colleague at Interface.  Miriam’s book, Mrs. Dunwoody’s Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping, was her gift to me.  I have been scanning and browsing this morning while Paul makes his broiled grapefruit for breakfast.  One quote that is so meaningful to me, I want to share with everyone:

“In a letter to a grandchild: Mrs. Dunwoody wrote, “Have nothing in your home that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.  Home is a sacred place for you and your family.  Home interprets heaven.  It is heaven for beginners.”

Living in hotel rooms for several days reminded me that we carry “home” with us wherever we are.  I always unpack and move in to the hotel room, making it home for the few days away.  That keeps a certain kind of helpful continuity in my life.  Returning to our home here in Buda, TX, I feel the joy of the heaven we have created here.  Heaven for beginners–that is what home is.

Thank you, Miriam, for your gift of writing your book, sharing the real truth of how we can live together, learning how to love, and creating “beginner’s heaven”.  Mrs. Dunwoody was a survivor-thriver of the war between the states, and I, a survivor of the great depression in the 30′s, share the belief that order and stability can be made through homekeeping.   “Keeper of the home” is a great aspiration for anyone, any gender, any age.  It allows us to thrive.

I am a fan of Don Miguel Ruiz.  We have followed the philosophy in his “Four Agreements” for many years.  Today as a new year begins, it seems fitting to recommend his next book, The Fifth Agreement.  The concept, according to Ruiz and his son Jose, is that everything we do is based on agreements we have made — agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. With these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.  His idea of agreements corresponds to my notion of beliefs.  Now he is adding an agreement that is dear to my heart.  As an advocate of deep listening, this fifth agreement is right down my alley of beliefs.   I am copying words written in the advertising promotion, which is a quick and easy way to review all five:

First,
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second,
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third,
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Fourth,
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Fifth,
BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
The Four Agreements slowly helps you to recover your authentic Self, and the real you starts to awaken. With The Fifth Agreement comes the complete acceptance of yourself just the way you are, and the complete acceptance of everybody else just the way they are. The reward is your eternal happiness. The Fifth Agreement is made with words, of course, but its meaning and intent is beyond the words. The Fifth Agreement is ultimately about seeing your whole reality with the eyes of truth, without words.

Make the Five Agreements your way of life — love yourself, enjoy life, and make your personal world a dream of heaven. And, by changing your world, you are changing the world.

As don Miguel says, “By practicing the Five Agreements, what you are really doing is respecting everything in creation. You are respecting your dream; you are respecting everybody else’s dream. If you use these tools, your effort is really for everyone, because your joy, your happiness, your peace, and your heaven are contagious. When you are happy, the people around you are happy too, and it inspires them to change their own world.”

This way of life is entirely possible, and it’s in your hands. The change begins with you. Why not start now?

My hope is that your 2010 will be the best ever and that you will make good use of anything that promotes your spiral of growth, including this new book, The Five Agreements.

Consider the circle.  That shape has been a universal symbol for God.  It suggests the infinite, never-ending inclusion of all.  Many years ago, I learned to deliver a curriculum, “Magic Circle”, to schools. It was designed by Dr. Valo Palomares and his ex-wife, Geraldine.  The structured circle sessions helped children feel at home in the affective domain–the world of feelings.  From that training in Magic Circle and my own doctoral dissertation (an experiment about emotions and our language of origin), I came to value the use of a circle as a place for groups to participate.  My Women’s Wisdom group always sits in a circle.  Each gets a fair share of the time, there are no “put-downs” and we listen to each other respectfully.  So, I recommend that you hold meetings in the circle, much like the legend of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.  There is a chance we can create Camelot again.  It works in families, in churches, and in business meetings.

To illustrate the circle model, imagine a group of adults gathered together.  The subject can be any current crisis/opportunity.  Whatever the subject these two questions set the stage for discussion:   

Where have we been and where are we going?

What is the future that wants to emerge?

Background thoughts:  Our view of the world has changed.  All our opportunities are now global.  Seeing our circular Planet Earth from the moon gave us a new image of the fragile nature of our world and the enormous responsibility we have as humans who make conscious choices. We have become an Earth tribe.

We humans have a propensity to higher consciousness and greater freedom. We naturally tend to expand. We are quite possibly evolving evolution. Today, this means expansion of ideas through awareness of the connectedness of all life. Global reality and global crisis requires that we look for newness to emerge; that we learn from failure and move toward best practices and solutions.

We are serving the needs of future generations—tomorrow’s children. We can use sustainable methods. From the past, we have an example: the Iroquois nation brought peace among warring tribes through such a meeting of leaders. They sat in a circle where each was given time to talk and the others listened respectfully (Benjamin Franklin reported how remarkable was their deep listening—“not at all like the British House of Commons where everyone shouts and interrupts”). At the end of the meeting of the tribal council, they had found new solutions, which brought them to their objective—peaceful co-existence.

We are moving from an age of power and control into an expanded, advanced age of emergence and creativity. So, we are asking your answer to the question: “What is the future that wants to emerge?”

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world—indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”–Margaret Mead

Conversations in an atmosphere of acceptance and safety will inspire creativity. Creativity becomes contagious and serves the common good better than guilt or fear. The structure is circular—a round table—where all are equal and welcome.

In this circle, all are included and all are valued. The take-away will be known only after we have offered our ideas. The solutions are heretofore unknown and undefined. This is emergent phenomenon and it will by definition be creative. Our takeaways will be what we have generated together in these few hours of our time together in dialogue. Each speaker will present ideas and best practices. Each will challenge you, the listeners, with questions. These questions will stimulate our design iterations.

Perspectives: How does Nature create and emerge in ongoing evolution?

What designs do we need that will create a habitat for learning?

How can we best use the leading edge technology toward planetary connectedness ?

What changes must we make individually and internally to foster a new business culture that includes social sustainability?