Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

I am a fan of Don Miguel Ruiz.  We have followed the philosophy in his “Four Agreements” for many years.  Today as a new year begins, it seems fitting to recommend his next book, The Fifth Agreement.  The concept, according to Ruiz and his son Jose, is that everything we do is based on agreements we have made — agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. With these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.  His idea of agreements corresponds to my notion of beliefs.  Now he is adding an agreement that is dear to my heart.  As an advocate of deep listening, this fifth agreement is right down my alley of beliefs.   I am copying words written in the advertising promotion, which is a quick and easy way to review all five:

First,
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second,
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third,
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Fourth,
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Fifth,
BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
The Four Agreements slowly helps you to recover your authentic Self, and the real you starts to awaken. With The Fifth Agreement comes the complete acceptance of yourself just the way you are, and the complete acceptance of everybody else just the way they are. The reward is your eternal happiness. The Fifth Agreement is made with words, of course, but its meaning and intent is beyond the words. The Fifth Agreement is ultimately about seeing your whole reality with the eyes of truth, without words.

Make the Five Agreements your way of life — love yourself, enjoy life, and make your personal world a dream of heaven. And, by changing your world, you are changing the world.

As don Miguel says, “By practicing the Five Agreements, what you are really doing is respecting everything in creation. You are respecting your dream; you are respecting everybody else’s dream. If you use these tools, your effort is really for everyone, because your joy, your happiness, your peace, and your heaven are contagious. When you are happy, the people around you are happy too, and it inspires them to change their own world.”

This way of life is entirely possible, and it’s in your hands. The change begins with you. Why not start now?

My hope is that your 2010 will be the best ever and that you will make good use of anything that promotes your spiral of growth, including this new book, The Five Agreements.

Consider the circle.  That shape has been a universal symbol for God.  It suggests the infinite, never-ending inclusion of all.  Many years ago, I learned to deliver a curriculum, “Magic Circle”, to schools. It was designed by Dr. Valo Palomares and his ex-wife, Geraldine.  The structured circle sessions helped children feel at home in the affective domain–the world of feelings.  From that training in Magic Circle and my own doctoral dissertation (an experiment about emotions and our language of origin), I came to value the use of a circle as a place for groups to participate.  My Women’s Wisdom group always sits in a circle.  Each gets a fair share of the time, there are no “put-downs” and we listen to each other respectfully.  So, I recommend that you hold meetings in the circle, much like the legend of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.  There is a chance we can create Camelot again.  It works in families, in churches, and in business meetings.

To illustrate the circle model, imagine a group of adults gathered together.  The subject can be any current crisis/opportunity.  Whatever the subject these two questions set the stage for discussion:   

Where have we been and where are we going?

What is the future that wants to emerge?

Background thoughts:  Our view of the world has changed.  All our opportunities are now global.  Seeing our circular Planet Earth from the moon gave us a new image of the fragile nature of our world and the enormous responsibility we have as humans who make conscious choices. We have become an Earth tribe.

We humans have a propensity to higher consciousness and greater freedom. We naturally tend to expand. We are quite possibly evolving evolution. Today, this means expansion of ideas through awareness of the connectedness of all life. Global reality and global crisis requires that we look for newness to emerge; that we learn from failure and move toward best practices and solutions.

We are serving the needs of future generations—tomorrow’s children. We can use sustainable methods. From the past, we have an example: the Iroquois nation brought peace among warring tribes through such a meeting of leaders. They sat in a circle where each was given time to talk and the others listened respectfully (Benjamin Franklin reported how remarkable was their deep listening—“not at all like the British House of Commons where everyone shouts and interrupts”). At the end of the meeting of the tribal council, they had found new solutions, which brought them to their objective—peaceful co-existence.

We are moving from an age of power and control into an expanded, advanced age of emergence and creativity. So, we are asking your answer to the question: “What is the future that wants to emerge?”

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world—indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”–Margaret Mead

Conversations in an atmosphere of acceptance and safety will inspire creativity. Creativity becomes contagious and serves the common good better than guilt or fear. The structure is circular—a round table—where all are equal and welcome.

In this circle, all are included and all are valued. The take-away will be known only after we have offered our ideas. The solutions are heretofore unknown and undefined. This is emergent phenomenon and it will by definition be creative. Our takeaways will be what we have generated together in these few hours of our time together in dialogue. Each speaker will present ideas and best practices. Each will challenge you, the listeners, with questions. These questions will stimulate our design iterations.

Perspectives: How does Nature create and emerge in ongoing evolution?

What designs do we need that will create a habitat for learning?

How can we best use the leading edge technology toward planetary connectedness ?

What changes must we make individually and internally to foster a new business culture that includes social sustainability?

Someone asked for my latest reading list. Here are the books Paul and I are studying these days:

1. Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book for the laughs.

2. The Living Universe by Duane Elgin, which gets us into cosmic thinking.

3. The Spontaneous Healing of Beliefs by Gregg Braden provokes us to examine our beliefs.

4. The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson is her latest book on self-care and self-love.

5. The Heavens Declare, The Dove in the Stone, and The Web in the Sea by Alice O. Howell, whose lovely grandmotherly approach to all things of the soul are juicy treasures to read. She is my favorite Jungian writer on Astrology, which I am still studying. After 10 or more years, I know little.

6. In preparation for Laurence Hillman’s workshop at Red Corral Ranch in September, I am reviewing old books on Astrology: The New Way to Learn Astrology by Basil Fearrington and Intuitive Astrology by Elizabeth Rose Campbell. Alignments and Planets at Play by Laurence himself.

7. Living Your Strengths by Winseman and Clifton and How Full Is Your Bucket? By Don Clifton and Tom Rath, and Strengths Leadership by Rath are ongoing books I use in Strengths Coaching for Interface Flor, Inc.  and others.

8. The Dumbest Generation by Mark Bauerlein (How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future) is comfort for parents of the under 20-age group.

9. Excuses Begone! By Wayne Dyer summarizes what I am coming to believe—that our beliefs actually create our life. Another book that lead me to that thinking is The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton.

10. Breakthrough by Suzanne Somers enlightens us on the need for bio-identical hormone therapy.

11. If It’s Not Food, Don’t Eat It! Is a no-nonsense guide to an eating-for-health lifestyle, which we are attempting to follow.

That same person who asked about our reading list, wanted to know how we manage the time to read all these books. One of my top five Strengths is “learner” and that makes reading or any kind of knowledge very motivational to me. I hunger to learn and pursue learning like it is candy. So, any trip to a good bookstore is like a trip to a candy store. We have evolved into routines that support reading and study. Just as homework was a part of early school life, so the continual learning cycle is a daily process. Our schedule simply includes books. Some of the above we are literally reading to each other. Some we read in solitude. Our morning looks like this: 6:30 rise and shine, then our daily 7:00 a.m. apple and coffee or tea while we read and journal. Then breakfast and exercise. We both get to our work at around 9 or 10 a.m. Lunch is separate and on our own. Afternoons, Paul works on his Play Therapy project and I take calls. At 5:00 we stop for Happy Hour, which may be a glass of wine or cold water. The day ends with dinner and a walk around the neighborhood. Ideally we play a game of cards at 9 p.m. and go on to bed by 10:30.

So, there you have a day in the life of Paul and Marj Barlow at our new home in Buda, Texas. I would love to read about your day, also. I am so happy when I get to know you better. Thanks for reading this and I am hoping you will respond.

INTERNAL SILOS?
These ideas are forming after studying the book by Patrick Lencioni, “Silos, Politics, and Turf Wars”.

FOUR INTERNAL SILOS THAT OPERATE LIKE EXTERNAL SILOS AND ONE SILO OF HOPE:

I.  The SURVIVAL silo
Reptilian brain
Habit and tradition
Fear and victimization

II.  The BAD FEELINGS silo
Limbic  system
Hurting Heart
Emotion and “Rescuitis” or “Victimization”

III. The CREATIVE THINKING silo
Neo-Cortex
Right Brain Creativity
Up, Up, and Awayyyyyy
Brainstorming
Dreaming
Imagining

IV  The LOGIC and REASONING silo
Left Brain Logic
Scientific proof
Cold, mechanistic, unfeeling
“Business is business”
Persecution, Criticism, and Victimization

Good News–The HOPE silo
Frontal Lobes  (evolutionary human development)
Oneness (We are all in this together)
Altruism (The operational theme in this silo)
Ultimate applied Christianity
Contains positive energy

Just as silos in corporations operate independently and have turf wars, so do we partition off our internal mind-brain system with one section at war with another when the daily frustrations of life are providing obstructions to our quest for happiness and success.

Four examples come to my mind.  These are not real life stories from individual people, but composite stories from many who experience these internal turf wars.

1.  e.g. Wife says, “It is hard for me to get excited about my husband going on a business trip to Hawaii when I am 8 months pregnant”.   She operates in the FEELINGS silo

2. e.g. Husband says, my wife is scheduled for a hysterectomy and I am being sent to South America.  I go because I have dropped the ball before and am in danger of losing my job.  He comes from the LOGIC and REASON silo, which is lodged in the left-side thinking brain.  (The new research says left and right brain models are much too simplistic but we use it here for sake of the argument)  He thinks, maybe I can get my doctor to advise me not to fly, which is the only real excuse acceptable to my company.  This is a leftover from the old factory, church, and public school dictums—you show up unless you are sick.  You don’t stay home just because a family member is sick.

3.  e.g. President of the company (or Nation) says, I set the visionary path and everyone who answers to me has a version of the path—not always in alignment with what I am envisioning.  How do I persuade or inspire them to follow the path?     He is going back and forth from his own frustration (FEELINGS silo) and re-thinking whether his leadership choices are correct (LOGIC silo) with overtones of struggle from his wish to adhere to the vision (CREATIVITY silo).  All the time, many who answer to him are in the SURVIVAL silo, following old, cynical belief patterns and a “ho-hum-here-we-go-again” stoicism.  Or, his followers may be practicing the “law of the minimum” where they do just enough to appear to be on track but, behind the scenes, they are full of talk about their doubts in their leader.

4.  e.g. the “poor me” employee who is certain his boss is prejudiced (FEELINGS silo)…collecting data to support the feelings over in the LOGIC silo.   When playing the victim game of Poor Me, there is a scene where anger and resentment (FEELINGS) are coupled with observation of behavior providing proof for the conclusion that the boss has favorites (LOGIC).  These two silos are not so much at war as they are teaming up to support the fear-based silo (SURVIVAL)

5.  e. g.  middle manager has a difficult project that is not going well.  Internally, her fight is between the SURVIVAL silo, which says she will last on the job only through playing the game right.  Yet when she visits the LOGIC silo, she has enough experience to grasp that the project may fail.  So the outcome, if it fails, is it will fall back on her shoulders and she will be blamed.  There is a war between FEELINGS, and LOGIC, and SURVIVAL.

These internal wars are as vicious as the external turf wars.

How does the wife step up to support her husband in example one—without feeling sorry for herself?

How does the husband whose wife is having surgery justify going on the trip to SA?  She is not too empathetic to the danger of his possible loss of job.  She says something like, “So, you can get another job!”  That takes them into another fierce argument about priorities.

How does the president adhere to the vision while others get the spirit of excitement and forward movement?  What will inspire them?  How do leaders actually stay in front of the curve of public criticism?  Where does he focus his energy?

And, finally, how does the employee who is feeling persecuted find a way to be enthusiastic and supportive of the boss he doesn’t trust?

Internal silos are coping mechanisms.  If our lives have been lived in quiet desperation, with denial of the reality of childhood woundings (and we have all been wounded far more than we can imagine); if our relationships still play psychological games with Rescuer-Persecutor-Victim the only roles available; if we believe that our feelings-thoughts-beliefs-behaviors are stimulated and controlled from the outside, then we will continue the blame and complain games.  And our internal silos will be in conflict.

If we get real and comprehend that there is another internal silo, where we honestly know that we are part of all life and that there is only ONE universal silo—then we will pursue the learning it takes to participate in that oneness.  We will get it that what is inside gets out-pictured in the so-called “real” world.  Each of us is creating the reality we experience.  The truth may be that the universe in its vastness is our parent body and we are all various individual cells in that body.

David Whyte’s new book and seminars based on the book, “The Three Marriages” is speaking to the Oneness.  He says that we have a personal marriage, a job marriage, and a marriage of self to Self.  If all three marriages can be reconciled into One Marriage, then we might reach a new age in human evolution.

My old concept of Self-Others-Society, SOS, fits here.  When we grasp the reality that we affect one another with the thoughts we think, the beliefs we espouse, the feelings, and the actions we initiate, then we can get to a place of real power.  Not power over but power with one another.  When we marry all three selves, we can empower our true essence of soul to come forward on the playing field of life on this planet and we will join together to move toward a world of Oneness, Harmony, Peace—both within and without.  That means we might just learn to love one another.  We might join our minds in pursuit of the highest calling we can find—true charity—true altruism—real LOVE—the final silo.

What if in example #1, the wife is a real grownup and she is interested in taking the path of love rather than fear.  She might say to her husband, “I want you to be with me in this last month of waiting for our baby, and if you decide to go ahead with the business trip, I will not take it personally.  I will trust your decision to be made from your best and highest thinking.”  The husband might or might not decide to stay home and take the risk of the consequences.  But, neither one of them will blame the other for their unhappy feelings and neither one of them will be “brought down” by the action of the other.  Actions are what we do and they reflect what we believe.  Thoughts and feelings are congruent to beliefs.  Moral lesson:  “Who am I really?  How do I want to be?  Will I choose the road of fear or the road of love?”

In example #2, a grown-up dialogue between husband and wife might bring them to understand their real core values.  Why is he working so hard?  Is it to buy things she wants?  What do they believe about illness?  Is illness ever used as manipulation?  What is important to us in our maturity?  Moral lesson:  “We are the heirs of our own choice-making.”

In example #3, this President (of a corporation or a nation) is elected or appointed or endowed with the position of leadership.  It is the leader who holds the vision.  The vision might have been collectively imagined from the whole company or country.  The leader may have his position because he captured that collective imagination.  Now, it is his role and duty to take that vision forward.  He must convince those who execute daily operations to adhere to the vision and interpret every action in accord with the vision.
How?  Through constant dialogue; through knowledge and awareness; through information gathered at all levels of the operation; through management by wondering around; through inspiring speeches and public appearances; through his own alignment with the vision at all levels of his life; and through the integrated oneness of his own code of ethics, values, and credo.  Such is the stuff of leadership.  The moral lesson: “Leaders are, by design, out front and lonely”

Example #4, this employee can open his mind and heart to possibilities for helping his boss to succeed.  His belief that the boss is out to get him will fade when he recognizes his boss as having worth and begins to support instead of criticize.  If, after 3 or 4 weeks of supportive action, he still sees evidence of his boss playing favorites, he might want to ask for a transfer.  Amazing how stopping criticism (even inside the mind), faultfinding, complaining, and resentment can open the door to possibilities of a different relationship.  So, his first task is to start a list of good qualities and positive behavior from his boss.  The list needs to grow longer than the complaint list.  The moral lesson:  “What you pay attention to will expand.”

Example #5:  It is true; responsibility falls on the backs of those who take responsibility!  Too much responsibility-taking can foster self-pity.  Sacrifice and martyrdom are akin to one another.  Every human being is a martyr to some cause—even if the cause is the care-taking of one’s own body.  Martyrs don’t necessarily have to be victims.  But self-pitying martyrs don’t make very good bedfellows.  As Harry Truman said, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.”  I say, you have the right to choose which kitchen you cook in.

Interpretation is everything.  This manager can look for alternate interpretations.  And, often the doomsday predictions are the product of leftover beliefs formed in childhood when we really were victims.  Deciding to be Rescuers was one way of escaping Victimization, but at the personal level, most Rescuers end up being Victimized.  So it is a no win game….and, yes, everybody dies.  UNLESS, you change beliefs and get the concepts of metaphysics with the vast array of possibilities—including Ascension instead of death!!!

So endeth today’s diatribe.  I have a feeling that I don’t want to show it to anyone, because…………

They might not like it.

They might reject me.

They might abandon me.

I might die!!!!!!!!

What the heck?

I might just Ascend and not die!!

Written on July 7, 2009

LMNOP  (I love the alphabet)

I had a really big experience this week.  Interface Flor brought me in to New York for some workshops on “How Full Is Your Bucket?”    The Interface showroom is a beautiful facility with great design and all the stunning new products displayed.  That, in itself, was a treat.  The new carpet tiles are so beautiful and still are meeting the Zero Footprint goal of environmental Sustainability.  Congratulations to David Oakey and his design team.  I especially admired the pattern called “Vermont”.  Beautiful!!

But, the real reason I am writing is to tell you about an organization that I learned about during the meetings.   People have been losing jobs all across the country.  This story is about a group that came together in New York to meet the crucial need of some of those people who are without employment temporarily.  Specifically, these are designers and architects willing to help each other in the down-turn of this economic time.

LMNOP is the result of the innovative brainstorming of that small group.  I met several of them on this trip and wish I could meet all of them, for they are the kind of people who face “what is” and meet the need, no matter what their own discouraging situation might be.  That is the kind of pluck and courage that impresses everyone.  Kristen Mucci and co-founder Stephanie Chiuminatto were there at the beginning of LMNOP, along with the other co-founder, Jennifer Graham.  These women were at an event where they joined in the sharing of their loss of jobs.  As a result of that conversation, they came up with this stunning idea, “Why not create an organization where we can help one another while we are looking for work?”   After brainstorming awhile (wish I knew all the details of the birth of this project), they arrived at the brilliant idea–naming it LMNOP.  The acronym stands for Leadership, Mentoring, Networking, Opportunity for A&D Professionals.  You may know how much I love the alphabet, so this is the greatest idea ever, to me!  (Also, my new great grandson is named Lawson Paul, so that spans the series of letters from L to P.  Really hit me hard as a great thing.)

They are talking now of making it a non-profit organization, where people in the Architecture and Design Industry can turn to one another for help.  When you want to learn; when you need a mentor; when you want to spread the word about what you do; or when you want to search out new opportunities for jobs and services, LMNOP is there for you.

I grew up in the great depression and this is reminding me of the ways in which families, friends, and communities “made do” with what was, and we all got through it by being in it together.

We ARE all in it together.  If my neighbor is unemployed; if my friend has a need; if my family calls, then I am called to respond.  That’s the way I want to be.

One other conversation on this trip was interesting for me:  Someone asked if the Strengths based approach to life means that I can like everybody.  I respect such a question for it sort of suggests that my beliefs might be more like PollyAnna wearing rose colored glasses and not facing up to the hard facts of reality .  My reply was that I am a person who wants to “like”.  In other words, I do not want my credo, or my beliefs, or my manner of being, to be determined by someone else’s behavior.  So, whenever someone seems to be unlikeable, I go to that place of decision and choice.  I ask myself, how do I want to respond to this person?  My answer is that I want to be in the mode of liking–meaning, I want to give the benefit of the doubt without judgment.  I want to be coming from a loving heart, not a suspicious mind.  And, I have come to believe that when someone is being unlikeable, it usually means that they are off-track in their own purpose in life.  Being likeable or lovable is not the same as having to compulsively please everyone.  The neurotic drivers to be pleasing, be strong, or be perfect are conditions for false well-being.  Surely, I don’t have to convince you that you won’t please everyone, you are OK even if you are weak, and you can give up needing to be perfect.  It is really OK to make mistakes.  As Abraham-Hicks tells us, we weren’t wrong or bad, we just weren’t done yet.  So, every moment is a new beginning.

As a bonus, I discovered at the end of our meeting that Stephanie Chiuminatto, co-founder of LMNOP, is from Kingsville, TX.  I lived there many years and knew Stephanie’s grandparents and her parents!  I can remember that little girl, Stephanie, who now has grown up and is pursuing her career in New York City.  A small world!  Less than 3 degrees to that connectedness with each other.  We really are all in this together.