Marjorie R. Barlow, Ph.D.

February 26, 2010

QUAVERY HAPPINESS

My new life, created daily, moment by moment, is dedicated to Joy, Happiness, and all the 8 directions in my Life-Long Compass of Joy. These guide-posts are at the 8 direction points: SE, I think about the Joy of Existence itself and I make my intention to “Show Up”; NW, the subject is the Joy of Compassionate Caring and the intention is to “Listen Up”; SW, I imagine the Joy of Creativity and determine to “Open Up”; NE, the Joy of Evolving where I resolve to “Grow Up”; W, the point is to play and have fun, and to “Lighten Up”; E, the Joy of learning and I continue to “Wise Up”; N is the Joy of loving and I “Link Up”; and to the South, the Joy of Work where I “Offer Up”.

So, these 8 Joys are part of my daily meditation. I ponder and think about them with a curious mind as Paul and I do our Tao Yin Fa and Chi Gong. Maybe you can imagine how this spiral of growth works, since there is an immutable law: “Whatever we resolve to do, there will be a test almost immediately.” So, here I am resolved to stay happy, be joyful, and do all those upbeat resolutions every day. Life goes very well when I can pull it off.

But, what often happens is I get the test of my new intention. The test takes me back to my old script, my old habits, my old feelings. I can tell you about it by telling you a story about one more re-entry. Re-entry is when Paul has been gone or I have been gone or any of our loved ones have been absent for awhile. When we come together again, there is the crunch of re-connecting. Sort of like raw stones in a tumbling vat, we bump up against each other and tend to grate or be grated against. That is how stones become smooth. Our relationships do that. We bump and grind against each other with the outcome of shining up or being broken.

So, I came home from my lovely trip to Canada last Friday night. Had to sprint for the plane in Atlanta since we were late due to the snow in the north. For this 81 year old, sprinting is not exactly what I do best any more, so I was tired and really ready to be home. Paul went with me to the luggage carousel, planning to help me with capturing the piece of luggage that was checked, which is not my normal routine but the Canadian clerk didn’t allow my purse being inside the carry-on larger purse as one piece.  Nothing for me to do but obey the rule, hence the checked bag.

Anyway, we are standing waiting for the bag, which I am certain won’t be on this flight since the time was so short in Atlanta. Paul asks, “Is that your bag?” I say, “No, mine is black leather.” He replies, “That was a yes or no question.” And, I felt my stomach contract. Now, I have learned in the recent months of my growth to pay attention when my stomach squeezes like that. It is an old familiar feeling. Actually, it goes all the way back to my early childhood, probably starting before I was 2 years old. Some deep voiced male admonished me and I felt the fear of not belonging or being abandoned or being rejected. I felt the fear in my stomach. So, I was “home again” in that split second when he said that he wanted only a yes or no—(he wanted no further information such as the bag is black leather.)  Each one of us is convinced of our innocence and our wish to be helpful.

Now, we are at a real important crossroads (and the timing is only a second or less): Will I continue my path of joy and happiness? Or will I be hurt and go into self pity (which I have down to a fine art, of course).  Self-pity is the cover-up for our basic belief that we are not enough, and it usually comes out as anger, because we need someone else to be at fault.  We want someone else to take the blame so that the self-pity is justified.  My old story would have gone down a degenerative path of being angry, hurt, and really picking a fight.  Paul would have stone-walled, been stoic, and I would get into my anger-blame-shame-guilt routine.  It could have gone on a long time and totally spoiled my home coming.

I decided to continue to be happy.  One thing, for sure, I now know that I have a choice about what I feel, how I think, and what I do or say.  And, I discovered something that, in all my years of therapy, and all the years of being a therapist, I somehow, had not really absorbed the reality of my childhood. This new realization was that, it was possible that most of my childhood was not really consistently happy.  It may have been even worse than I remembered. My father was eternally vigilant and admonishing me, resulting in my super-sensitivity to any remark about me. (Paul’s Mother was the same–always watching him to keep him on the right path.) Each of us had arrived at adulthood with some self-beliefs: I believe I am a burden (to be watched and kept on track but a burden none-the-less); Paul believes he is a disappointment. As we talked about the incident, we both came to clear understanding of one more layer of that childhood hypnosis.  We both were able to look at it without any need for judgment of the other.  The awareness was like a breath of fresh air and one more ah-ha of discovery into the psychological games we play.  Our conversation was exhilarating.  We made new discoveries.   Paul talked about how we create moments in our marriage, especially during these re-entry periods, when we fall back into those old beliefs and reinforce them yet again.  He said, he made his remark about it being a yes or no question as if he was telling his mother to stop controlling him.

This is fine-tuning work in a relationship. It starts with awareness—awareness of feelings, sensations, nuances, nudges, intuitions, and all those invisible signals that are coming at us every moment. Being aware and choosing to stay “on-course” is the greatest way to take charge of our life story and create it according to our highest, grandest, most abundant success, our most loving possibility, and our worthiest expansion into our true selves. Authenticity is the goal. Joy is the choice. Happiness is the by-product of our joy-filled authenticity.

Life is good.  All is well.    Feeling of happiness are possible.  Joy is our Birthright.

Working from my Strengths

How do I know that I am in the “flow” of using my God-given strengths. What evidence do I have that tells me I am on-track, coming from my optimum self-development?  When I am working, how do I know I am in that flow?

First, I have a state of concentration, and I am focused on what I am doing.  I am fully present.

Second, I have a feeling of satisfaction or absorption in whatever I am doing.  Like a child at play, I am not distracted.  

Third, my feelings are positive. One of the best indicators that I am off track is that I have gathered up negative feelings. When there is a cloud of darkness, doubt, or irritation, I can be certain that I am not operating from strengths.

Fourth, I am in the mindset of possibilities—not feeling constrained or fearful. It is like using my brain to pursue some mystery or curiosity, with the same avid dedication as a dog sniffing some trail and chasing some quarry. These possibilities are exciting and challenging at the same time. It is like working a puzzle and not wanting to stop until I have solved it.

These are autotelic experiences—meaning that they come from within me. They are the true “me”, operating from my own autonomy. I find it to be amusing that I will doggedly pursue some task if I am the one deciding to do the task. I have less interest in pursuing a task assigned from the outside by someone else. If the outside task is interesting and I have mastery of how to do it, there is a better chance I will do it with enthusiasm. Getting to do what I do best is inextricably linked with my positive emotions.  And positive emotions tell me I am working and playing from my base of strengths.

Strengths seem to flourish when autonomy is guaranteed. I am able to perform tasks when I have mastery over that performance. And, if the task seems to have a valid purpose, I will enter it with great intention to perform well.

Motivation is linked to autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Daniel Pink has demonstrated this in his book, “Drive”.  I recommend his book for anyone who is managing other people.  Teachers, parents, business leaders need to know this new development and learn to apply it daily in their relationships to others.

I believe Strengths, as defined in the Clifton StrengthsFinder, are at the heart of motivation. It all goes together in the best possible development of us as human beings.  Knowing what your talents are, knowing what skills and knowledge you need to continue development of those talents, and knowing what motivates you to use those strengths is the secret to growth.  Growth takes place in an atmosphere of safety, belonging, and freedom.  When those are threatened, protection is evoked and the growth stops.

I recall an example from a recent telephone appointment.  I was in conversation with a very successful business man.  He is a manager of a team of great sales people.  His talk was typical of someone calling with a need to sort out current frustrations and challenges.  As we visited, I was so completely absorbed in his story, that the time raced by as if we had talked only a few minutes, even though we used a whole hour of clock time.  Something magical took place.  Time was distorted; his mood shifted from worry and doubt to relief and self confidence; space was contained as if this was the only world there was at the time; and there was a shift of mood, feelings, and creativity.  I cannot recount exactly what I did or what he said.  All I know is that I was in my best strengths mode.  The talent I have for individuation, connectedness, and maximizing seemed to be functioning at top speed and with great efficiency.  I wish I could package this and dole it out to all those out there who listen to others in a counseling or consoling conversation.  I think it has to do with being real.  Both of us were without masks.  Honesty and forthright revelation was happening without being demanded.  There was trust for sure.  I have some years of experience for sure.  Maybe there is an ingredient of “allowing” the best of human mind-brain functioning, coupled with optimism and hope.  I only know that it was magic and I am grateful for that hour of communion with another human being.

So, that is why I wanted to write another post–this time about strengths and putting strengths to work.  My work as a change agent really feels like play.  I do it because it is great fun and brings joy into the world.  And, that is my calling.

My “Life-Long Compass of Joy” comes to mind.  In that magical hour,  both my client and I showed up, listened up, opened up, grew up, lightened up, wised up, linked up, and offered up.

Once more, I have affirmed that I exist, I care, I create, I evolve, I play, I learn, I love, and I work!

You As Leader

I have been thinking about this idea today.  Think of all the people in your life that you would label “Leader”…..

Next, describe how you think they are doing.  Go for the best praise and the lowest criticism for each one of them.  Take time to do this and be as honest as you can in your assessment of each one.

Now, ask yourself about your own view of yourself.  Are you a leader?  Whom do you lead?  Am I a leader?  Whom do I lead?   My answer is yes to all those questions.  You are a leader and I am a leader.  Each one of us leads.

Here is what I cannot escape as a conclusion.  We are all leaders.  We lead someone.  Primarily, we lead ourselves.  Each one of us is different and we lead humanity toward some evolutionary progress.  Or, we don’t.  Each one of us has the capacity to forward our expansive evolutionary journey as a species called human; each one of us has the capacity to delay that expansion.  Expansion is the true name of the game.  We are expanding and we will continue to expand.  They tell us the Universe herself is expanding.  The upward spiral is ever up and ever broadening.  (We need good “shrinks” to help us grasp this concept.)

Now look at the list you made of leaders.  Are they Presidents (of country or company)?  Are they living or dead; male or female; old or young?  Be in the zone of what I call “merciless self awareness”.  Ask what you are revealing to yourself.  What you see, what you react to, what you think-feel-do-believe is all here for your observation.  I hope you keep your observation objective and benign.  No self-downing, please.  Just go for the awareness of who you are and how you behave today, right here and right now.

Here’s where the moment of contrast is faced.  As within, so without.  “As a man thinketh….”  This is the Come to Jesus moment of self awareness.  Prepare to face your own self-constructed reality.  Ready?  Set?  Go!

Using your keen self-awareness, own your own projections.  Look at your lists and say, “I am like that, too.”  We see our named leaders through the lens of our own perception; through the filters of our own experience; through the life script we are living.  And we are the author, actor, and audience of the life script.  The good news here is that we can take charge of the script.

Do you ever find yourself praising or criticizing your very own self for the same characteristics you attributed to those leaders you named?  Are you even harder on yourself than you are on your manager, your boss, your company leader, your president???

What if the one person we actually lead day in and day out is number one—yourself–myself?  What if we saw the dual roles operating within us—both leader and follower.  What if we supported that internal follower with good thoughts and high acceptance?  What if I looked on myself as a follower who needs a compassionate, caring, mindful, and, yes, happy leader?  This is like self-re-parenting.  Taking charge and providing the parenting that our birth parents couldn’t or wouldn’t do, is our responsibility as well as our right as leaders of our own destiny.

Can I be a leader and be happy?  I think we cannot justify or logically support any opinion as making us happy or sad; nothing outside us makes us full of joy or full of despair.  Your job is not the culprit; your spouse or your spice is not the cause; your outside world does not dictate the experience of your inside world.  The greatest power you possess is here in this concept.  You have choices about how you respond to your life experiences.

Being a leader of one is possible.  Being happy is possible.  My job doesn’t really make me happy nor does it make me full of despair.  Nothing outside the realm of my own thought system makes me feel anything.  This is a belief that is both frightening and freeing.  It is the good news and it is the bad news.  I and I, alone, own what I believe, what I think, what I feel, and what I do.  Today, I am convinced this is true for you, too.

Therefore, we can choose to take charge of our thinking and, ultimately, take charge of our believing.  Belief creates reality.  My conclusion, on this seventh day of February, 2010, is that I am the only one in charge of my beliefs and my thoughts.  My feelings are the indicator of whether I am leading myself in the most beneficial directions.   My feelings are the gauge of whether I am operating from my native talents—my strengths—or whether I am playing the old games and being a victim of Life.  If I am in the Victim role, I will cast my leaders on the outside as my Persecutors or as my Rescuers.  Therefore, the neurotic games can continue.  (Rarely have I seen anyone cast their boss as the Victim!)

My beliefs are the prognosticator of whether I experience abundance, love, and success.  Yes, believing makes it so.  Beliefs create experience.

As Harry Palmer, the founder of Avatar, says, “If you don’t believe this to be true, you will experience it as false, which proves that the belief creates the experience!”

So, as of this moment, I send all those who are in positions of leadership my most compassionate, prayerful thoughts for their success, their embracing of abundance instead of scarcity, and their discovery of the power of Love.

I accept my expansive possibilities for more wisdom in my beliefs.  I embrace the people in my world as the genius provocateurs of my growth.  And, I thank every one of them for the contrast, the turning points, and the climb to the next level on my journey of self-discovery; self-ownership; and self-creation.

I am a fan of Don Miguel Ruiz.  We have followed the philosophy in his “Four Agreements” for many years.  Today as a new year begins, it seems fitting to recommend his next book, The Fifth Agreement.  The concept, according to Ruiz and his son Jose, is that everything we do is based on agreements we have made — agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. With these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.  His idea of agreements corresponds to my notion of beliefs.  Now he is adding an agreement that is dear to my heart.  As an advocate of deep listening, this fifth agreement is right down my alley of beliefs.   I am copying words written in the advertising promotion, which is a quick and easy way to review all five:

First,
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second,
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third,
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Fourth,
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Fifth,
BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
The Four Agreements slowly helps you to recover your authentic Self, and the real you starts to awaken. With The Fifth Agreement comes the complete acceptance of yourself just the way you are, and the complete acceptance of everybody else just the way they are. The reward is your eternal happiness. The Fifth Agreement is made with words, of course, but its meaning and intent is beyond the words. The Fifth Agreement is ultimately about seeing your whole reality with the eyes of truth, without words.

Make the Five Agreements your way of life — love yourself, enjoy life, and make your personal world a dream of heaven. And, by changing your world, you are changing the world.

As don Miguel says, “By practicing the Five Agreements, what you are really doing is respecting everything in creation. You are respecting your dream; you are respecting everybody else’s dream. If you use these tools, your effort is really for everyone, because your joy, your happiness, your peace, and your heaven are contagious. When you are happy, the people around you are happy too, and it inspires them to change their own world.”

This way of life is entirely possible, and it’s in your hands. The change begins with you. Why not start now?

My hope is that your 2010 will be the best ever and that you will make good use of anything that promotes your spiral of growth, including this new book, The Five Agreements.

Consider the circle.  That shape has been a universal symbol for God.  It suggests the infinite, never-ending inclusion of all.  Many years ago, I learned to deliver a curriculum, “Magic Circle”, to schools. It was designed by Dr. Valo Palomares and his ex-wife, Geraldine.  The structured circle sessions helped children feel at home in the affective domain–the world of feelings.  From that training in Magic Circle and my own doctoral dissertation (an experiment about emotions and our language of origin), I came to value the use of a circle as a place for groups to participate.  My Women’s Wisdom group always sits in a circle.  Each gets a fair share of the time, there are no “put-downs” and we listen to each other respectfully.  So, I recommend that you hold meetings in the circle, much like the legend of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.  There is a chance we can create Camelot again.  It works in families, in churches, and in business meetings.

To illustrate the circle model, imagine a group of adults gathered together.  The subject can be any current crisis/opportunity.  Whatever the subject these two questions set the stage for discussion:   

Where have we been and where are we going?

What is the future that wants to emerge?

Background thoughts:  Our view of the world has changed.  All our opportunities are now global.  Seeing our circular Planet Earth from the moon gave us a new image of the fragile nature of our world and the enormous responsibility we have as humans who make conscious choices. We have become an Earth tribe.

We humans have a propensity to higher consciousness and greater freedom. We naturally tend to expand. We are quite possibly evolving evolution. Today, this means expansion of ideas through awareness of the connectedness of all life. Global reality and global crisis requires that we look for newness to emerge; that we learn from failure and move toward best practices and solutions.

We are serving the needs of future generations—tomorrow’s children. We can use sustainable methods. From the past, we have an example: the Iroquois nation brought peace among warring tribes through such a meeting of leaders. They sat in a circle where each was given time to talk and the others listened respectfully (Benjamin Franklin reported how remarkable was their deep listening—“not at all like the British House of Commons where everyone shouts and interrupts”). At the end of the meeting of the tribal council, they had found new solutions, which brought them to their objective—peaceful co-existence.

We are moving from an age of power and control into an expanded, advanced age of emergence and creativity. So, we are asking your answer to the question: “What is the future that wants to emerge?”

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world—indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”–Margaret Mead

Conversations in an atmosphere of acceptance and safety will inspire creativity. Creativity becomes contagious and serves the common good better than guilt or fear. The structure is circular—a round table—where all are equal and welcome.

In this circle, all are included and all are valued. The take-away will be known only after we have offered our ideas. The solutions are heretofore unknown and undefined. This is emergent phenomenon and it will by definition be creative. Our takeaways will be what we have generated together in these few hours of our time together in dialogue. Each speaker will present ideas and best practices. Each will challenge you, the listeners, with questions. These questions will stimulate our design iterations.

Perspectives: How does Nature create and emerge in ongoing evolution?

What designs do we need that will create a habitat for learning?

How can we best use the leading edge technology toward planetary connectedness ?

What changes must we make individually and internally to foster a new business culture that includes social sustainability?